Special Ops Impersonator Hired by the FBI Goin’ to Prison

Yeah, right, 21 months hard time, gotcha.  OK, a hundred-seventy-one large in fines, alright, we follow.  But that other thing, no, yeah, the other part.  About the guy working for years with fake credentials, the FBI hiring a spec-ops impersonator as a consultant.  Yeah, that part.  WHAT?

OK, OK, OK, the FBI knew he was a fraud all along, this was a sting, right?  They found some jerk lying on Facebook and set him up.  Or maybe, if you’re wearing the correct headgear, the FBI hired this guy deliberately so that they could pin their involvement supplying the Sinolas on him, you know, a patsy?  That way, the FBI’s just evil, not evil and stupid.

Alright, let’s give the FBI the benefit of the doubt, your’re good and competent and this is a serious plot by a serious actor.  If not a sting or a framing, then he’s like, some kind of super-spy that’s been preying on the intelligence community since the Wall came down, is that it?  Like, he was a Virgin Islands ex-pat who got blacklisted by the KGB for being too suave, one too many romantic entanglements, but they caught the guy inside a couple of weeks, right?

“William Hillar used false claims about his background and academic credentials to win teaching and training contracts from 1998 to 2010.”

Ladies and gentlemen, we live in the Onion times.

“Mr. Hillar claimed to be a retired US Army colonel who served in the special forces from 1962 to 1990. His website said he’d been stationed in Asia, the Middle East, and Central and South America.  The website listed his specialized skills as ‘tactical counter-terrorism, explosive ordnance, emergency medicine, and psychological warfare.’ Hillar also advertised that he had earned a PhD from the University of Oregon.

None of it was true.

“One of Hillar’s most outrageous claims was that his own daughter had been kidnapped, forced into sexual slavery, sodomized, and tortured before being hacked to death with machetes and thrown into the sea. Hillar, of Millersville, Md., claimed that his daughter’s brutal murder was the basis of the 2008 movie Taken.

WHAT? C’mon, FBI, you’re in charge of kidnappings!  You know this stuff!  At least he was, like, still some kind of experienced soldier.  Maybe he had to falsify his credentials because he worked swiftboats all up Cambodia, where we never officially were, right?

“Hillar, 66, served from 1962 to 1970 in the US Coast Guard. He left the service as a radarman, petty officer 3rd class.”

Oh COME ON, FBI!  But at least you caught him, ratted out his fake visage and brought him down hard, thereby redeeming yourself in your eyes and the eyes of the American peoples?

“Hillar’s scam was uncovered by members of the special forces community.”

That’s it, FBI.  Go to your room and don’t come out until you’ve read all of the Mall Ninja diaries.  If you so much as make a peep, by God, we’ll hit you with our ring hand.