These Artsy Gun Pieces Are Kinda Neat, Mostly Absurd

The staff at Guns.com seen enough spy movies to know that the lipstick in that smoky-eyed vixen’s purse is just as likely to be cleverly disguised C4 as harmless cosmetics. James Bond and other double agents get a kick out of hiding weapons in everyday items, but it’s not very often that you see the exact opposite: designers hiding everyday items inside of weapons.

You do run across that type of stuff from time to time, such as gun-shaped lighters. The line of pieces from designer Ted Noten’s Necessities for a Woman takes that concept to a whole new level by condensing just about every item that a woman might carry in her purse into a compact model handgun.

The silencer on the Chanel001 won’t muffle bullets, but it does hide a sexy shade of lip gloss sure to leave men speechless. It’s also got a perfume bottle, a USB stick, and a secret compartment for storing a Viagra pill. It’s also got a 50 gram 24k gold bar, because… well, we have no idea. We can’t tell if that’s just to make it extra fancy, or if that’s some sort of social commentary on what women find “necessary.”

Ted Noten GunThe white Dior001 is a toned-down version of the Chanel001 with its white coat, fewer accessories, and a 100 gram sterling silver bar. Ted Noten Suitcase

This product is neat and all, but based on the fact that the gold and silver bars make this expensive for the sake of making it expensive, this novelty accessory will be too impractical for most women – even for the few feminine gun owners who like to pretend to be a Bond girl on Friday nights.

That seems to be a theme for Noten. He’s got a number of other fashionable gun-related products that look cool, but are just too silly to actually spend any money on. This Uzi Mon Amour (“Uzi my love”) suitcase features an Uzi that has been engraved with flowers and is plated in 24K gold. It also has a sexy Chinese love poem engraved around the silencer. The whole thing is cast in acrylic, so the only way you’ll ever be able to use this as a weapon is if you bash somebody over the head with it.

He’s got another suitcase that has a dead city rat with a diamond in its mouth, embedded in acrylic. That’s a necessity for a woman? Now you’ve lost us.

Toten kind of redeemed himself with the lady killer vol. 1. This gold ring features a forward-pointing pistol with a diamond set at the end of the barrel. It’s pretty stylish, but having that huge chunk of metal sticking off of your finger seems pretty impractical.

Ted Noten Lady Killer

Overall, Necessities for a Woman seems less about making products that would be interesting for women and more about making bizarre statements about materialism and femininity. We could see how latte-sipping, beret-wearing artsy-fartsy types would love to chat about how these items challenge the identity of the modern metropolitan woman, but if you ask us they’re just a little goofy.

A dead rat with a diamond in its mouth? Really? Not only is that just completely stupid, but it’s like Toten is trying to copy Damien Hirst, that British dude who likes to suspend dead animals in formaldehyde. If you’re going to be absurd, at least be original and absurd.