Bloomberg group to buy Kroger chains, Shannon Watts tapped to lead

In an interesting turn of events over the open carry argument between gun control advocates and the nation’s largest grocery chain, leaked reports indicate companies owned by Michael Bloomberg will acquire Kroger.

While the final acquisition plan has not been determined and would still be subject to federal oversight regulations, blue moons and stockholders, the chain, which has 2,625 locations and earned over $108 billion in revenue in 2014, is set to be acquired by the 10th richest person in the United States.

The grocer has been locked in a bitter struggle with national gun control advocates, backed by Bloomberg’s donations, over its policy on the open carry of firearms.

Open carry activists argue that it’s their constitutional right to keep and bear arms. Kroger argues that they are just following local laws. The Bloomberg groups argue that allowing open carry is dangerous.

Criminals, however, do not seem deterred from committing crime in Kroger parking lots no matter the rhetoric.

When joined to Bloomberg’s global financial data and media enterprise, it will be able to steer the nation’s gun policy debate from coast to coast through direct marketing from produce sections to the dairy department.

“Companies are looking for ways to meet the evolving needs of today’s discerning consumer, who is always connected, and we feel, concerned with not being able to mind their own business,” explained Sidd Finch, chairman of Loof Lirpa, the acquisition enterprise set to oversee the merger.

“With unparalleled domain expertise and suburban reach, a new and improved Bloomberg-Kroger and its allied outlets would be set to deliver the best common sense information on dangerous legislation pushed by the gun lobby and expanded background checks– because some 40 percent of all weapons sold are done so in either faux gun shops or through social media— while still honoring competitor’s coupons and advertised prices,” said Finch.

Finch, a retired sports legend and budding yogi known for his fastball, confirmed that Shannon Watts, head of Moms Demand Action, would helm the new company from her quiet Midwestern home office.

Asked about open carry, Finch laughed, saying tentative carry policy allows only for a choice between paper or plastic, not long arm or handgun. Exceptions will be made for company executive protection details, those with New York City firearms permits, and an upcoming Liam Neeson film set in a grocery store entitled Taken IV: Express Lane.

In a scientific survey conducted by Marge Innovera and financed by the Moms group, 92 percent of Kroger customers polled via pager replied that they welcomed the new direction while just 47 percent opposed it. Curiously, the same figures were produced when shoppers were polled on their views of sloppy joe mix.

The news of the changes left many gun rights advocates puzzled.

Johnny Trilby, senior executive vice-commander (acting) of Gadsden Flag Open Carry said on his way to get some light shopping in with his PAP M-70 slung low, “I never thought I would see such an event, but I guess Bloomberg’s money may have won the day on this. Let’s hope it’s not for real, and is just some kind of April Fool’s Day joke cobbled together to provide some once-per-year, cheap, but sadly feasible laughs.”