The Center for Disease Controls Wants You to be Prepared: For Zombies

The CDC, the real U.S. .gov agency, the Center for Disease Control, have put up a quick-start guide to being prepared for the zombie apocalypse.

Whether or not you’ve read the Zombie Survival Guide or World War Z zombie preparedness is more than just rattling ideas around your head and patting yourself on the back afterwards, and the CDC know that and wants you to plan ahead.

Being prepared for the zombie apocalypse takes time and effort, and stockpiling up on a few things people really do take for granted.  Like water.

Water is a resource that you can find just everywhere, and for the most part, it’s free.  But in a zombie showdown, you really think your water department will be able to man off the horde and keep your tap flowing?  Hell no.  A human, in stressful situations, needs a gallon of water a day to keep going, and you’re not going to get it from a faucet and the pond is full of corpses.

First aid is also important, and we don’t mean the medicine behind the mirror.  (The CDC advises stockpiling up on prescription medicine, which would be nice if it weren’t illegal.)  But more important than a crate of gauze and salvo of epinephrine is knowing how to use it.  Consider taking a class already.

And supplies of all sorts are necessary.  The CDC advises that you keep a decent supply of non-perishable food and any equipment that might come in handy.  But not once do they mention firearms!

Look, when’s the last time you watched a zombie apocalypse movie where the survivors make it through applied pacifism?  Balls.  Yes, running is important, you have to run more than you’ll ever need to shoot, but man, when you gotta shoot, you really gotta shoot.  You never know when exactly you’ll never be able to buy another bullet again, so keep some stocked up at home.  And possibly in the car.  And a stash at the office.  Just hide bullets everywhere like you’re the zombie Easter bunny.

Lastly, the most important part of zombie apocalypse preparedness is psychological.  Staying cool under the pressure in the face of the complete destruction of society and the usurpation of humanity.  To know if you can cut it, google “zombie walk” and where you live.  It could save your life.

Naturally, the CDC isn’t concerned with zombies which is why there’s no mention of guns.  But they really do have a decent primer on emergency preparedness.  So read it and pass this along.  It’s laughable and it could actually make a difference.