Armed Man Loses Fight to a Balanced Breakfast

Texas City Texas, most famous for being the home to the world’s largest ANFO explosion on the planet, is still to this day a fairly explosive place.  And by explosive, we do mean pissed-off and road-raging.

We get it, it’s summer now and it’s hot.  You’re driving along and you got cut off, or at least you think you did.  So you pull over to calm down, like a sane, normal person.  Oh, right, no, that didn’t happen.  Last Monday, after a 49-year-old father’s daughter’s car was being followed “too close” by a man in a truck, pulled off to the side of the road to presumably engage with the truck’s driver.  The truck driver drove on.  Oh no he didn’t.

The father got back into his car and chased the truck down.  Oh it’s on.  This schoolyard throw-down got real when the two men pulled over after “Some swerving [occurred] between the two vehicles, and the two exchanged words and were cussing at each other.”  They stepped out of their vehicles and drew on each other in the morning sun.

The father put his pistol on the truck driver, and the truck driver armed himselfwith a bowl of oatmeal.  Like lightning, the oatmeal flew from the truck driver at the father, ducking out of the way.  The truck driver tried to escape, but it was too late.  A policeman, Constable Mike Montez, showed up and, it’s not clear from the report, but we’re pretty sure he grabbed both men by their ear and made them sit down and shut up until their parents were called.

You can read the blotter here.  Neither man was arrested and the dad had a concealed-carry permit.

The legalities of eating on the road without an oatmeal license aside, if you had to defend yourself with a breakfast, is oatmeal the best option?  Yes, it can be hot and sticky, or it can be all milky and gross.  Either one of those types clearly has its defensive appeal.  But with so many nutritious options to start your day and bring to a gunfight, what would you pick?

Clearly, smothered breakfast burritos have some of the best potential here, designed as they are to expand upon impact, and shit, if you get some green chili in your eyes, it’s over.  We at favor equally Cap’n Crunch and Crunchberries, if only because the sly catchphrase possibilities are almost endless.  “You just got crunched.”  “The Cap’n says it’s time to walk the plank.”  And so on.  When you’re defending yourself with breakfast, what do you reach for first, and why?

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