Gnomes: Guarding Your Garden

In a world, where gardens have no fences…

The only thing standing between your junipers and certain death…

Are the gnomes…

And the gnomes.  Are.  Fed.  Up.

Coming soon to a garden near you, Etsy sculptor thorssoli is arming gnomes with rifles.

“I don’t know what it was that finally prompted the gnomes to take up arms. Maybe it was one too many gopher invasions. Perhaps it was the overwhelming gaudiness of neighboring plastic pink flamingoes encroaching on their ancestral homeland. Or maybe they just finally got tired of the media portraying them as travelling morons. Either way, they’ve had enough and they’re out for blood.

“My gnomes stand just under a foot tall, weigh somewhere between one and ten pounds, and each one comes with your choice of either the ubiquitous M16A2 assault rifle or the venerable AK-47. Your gnome will be delicately packed in the finest imported bubble wrap, laid in a luxurious bed of gourmet packing peanuts, and shipped directly to your door by a professional, uniformed carrier through USPS Priority Mail.”

thorssoli is an unemployed ex-sailor kickstarting a new business of military-grade garden gnomes, and as such, these first two batches are unpainted.  This way’s probably better.  Screw red hats, give ’em a hit with Camo Dip.

So if you’re tired of the same old crap gnomes standing around, looking charming or grumpy or sleeping around your garden while your tulips get peed on like they were flying JetBlue, maybe it’s time to give them the bum’s rush and hire a new crew of mercenary gnomes.  These gnomes get shit taken care of.  And they don’t tolerate jackassery.  Fifty-five bucks.