Christmas Heat: What Gun Would Your Favorite Character Run?
From Santa and Krampus to George Bailey and Cousin Eddie, the question pops up this time of year: What gun would they run if the Christmas character could run guns?
With that, here's what we came up with:
Santa - M1911
Ahh, good old St. Nick. We are sure – as verified through the recent documentary Fat Man– that the jolly old elf in the red suit would be an M1911 fan (although FullMag contends he is a .50 cal guy) because, well, he is the ultimate boomer, right?
Also, the Navy currently lists "Admiral S. Claus" in the Reserves as a dual-hatted Public Affairs Officer/Naval Aviator, authorized to submit travel for his POV as "Suitable government transportation is not available" and allowance to use relaxed grooming standards. "Per diem is authorized and has been modified to include large quantities of hot cocoa and cookies," says the Office of the Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy. So yeah, we are gonna go M1911 on this one.
Kind of the polar opposite of Santa when it comes to making a list and checking it twice, this old Central European punisher of brats would, naturally, carry an HK MK23 SOCOM pistol, a tool especially invented to punish brats of the type hiding in caves somewhere.
While Marcus in Bad Santa (in)famously traveled with a S&W Model 60 under his green stocking cap, we feel that a more appropriate arm for Santa's little helpers would be one of NAA's Mini Revolvers.
Bad Santa- Taurus Judge
We had to follow up the Marcus reference by theorizing what Willie T. Soke would have on him besides a blackjack and a wooden Christmas pickle. The obvious answer: a Taurus Judge and we will fight you if you think otherwise.
Ebenezer Scrooge- Taurus G3
Mr. Scrooge has plenty of gold for whatever firearm he may desire. And even though he’ll happily sit and swim in his piles of money, he still can’t resist a (low-cost) semi-auto handgun for when uninvited guests drop in late at night. With the Taurus G3, old Ebenezer would surely find a Christmas morning miracle.
George Bailey- Police Trade-in .38
The steward of the old Bailey Building & Loan, George Bailey, had to be thrifty but could still recognize quality. That’s why he would surely pick a low-mileage police trade-in Smith K-Frame with a lot of life left in it to keep in the safe whenever things got squirrely.
While we are here, we feel we should note that GB was portrayed by real-life OG Jimmy Stewart, who before filming had taken some time off from Tinsel Town to pilot B-24s over Germany in WWII. He would continue his Air Force service into Vietnam (where he tagged along on a B-52). The call to serve probably came naturally as his grandfather commanded a regiment at Gettysburg.
Yukon Cornelius- Ruger Redhawk
For those traveling around in the frozen North and the intestinal fortitude to hang out in the Abominable Snowmonster's stomping grounds, we recommend the big medicine of a Ruger Redhawk for when a licked pickax just isn't enough.
Cousin Eddie- Hi-Point
Easy to tuck away when wearing a robe while conducting outside maintenance. Yet still sleek enough not to clash with a sized women's medium V-neck sweater and black dickie. Hi-Point pistols just scream rural-to-suburban aristocrat – and you don't have to be a Mississippi leg hound to sniff that out. However, don't think you are gonna just luck into one of these bad boys "because we're taking it with us when we leave here next month.”
Jack Skellington- CZ75 SP-01
There is just something undeniably hipster about JS, and you can't be a gun hipster without having a CZ. The SP-01 fits the bill on this one and is fit for a king, even if they are a pumpkin king.
Honorable mention: Ralphie gets an AK
Sure, the whole film is centered on an air gun, but with the modern sporting rifle movement hitting the mainstream in the past couple of decades, it is about time for Ralphie to get the Kalash upgrade.
Finally, let this article also serve as your yearly reminder that Deck the Halls can be sung to the tune of Black Sabbath's War Pigs, and vice versa.